New Outfit

Hey! It looks like lil' blogger got a new outfit! There are some new really neato cool templates...of course I have my gripes about the big blue button at the top of my parchment, but one shouldn't complain about free stuff. I don't know how to create designs, though I think I should learn during my downtime at work. I bet there's a way to customize this thing. Anyway, I probably chose this one because it tastes a little like Faire, with a hint of Master and Commander and a splash of Moulin Rouge. Ahhh movies people love to hate and I love to love.

I've had a great weekend. This has been a great year. There are so many things I thought I knew, that really, I only knew in concept. I don't think its a unique experience to have cliches hit you in the head and become a part of your own reality, but it feels that way when it happens to you. I think I needed the distance to allow myself a chance to hear my own voice. Before I left, I was lashing out at people in ways I didn't want to. I was holding friendships in such a way, that if I lost them I wouldn't know who I was. It was draining and upsetting for me, for them and anyone who listened. The worst kind of jealousy grips those who insist they aren't jealous.

I was lying with Frank as he was taking a nap and thinking of the two beautiful, amazing women friends he has in Gotemba. I really like them. Yet, sometimes I'm jealous. They all live in the same city together and have become quite close. I hate feeling jealous of their bond. Sometimes it's a romantic jealousy, sometimes it's just a level of group friendship that I haven't found yet. As I was lying there, I started thinking about it more. Why am I jealous? What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? In my mind, the worst was that Frank could leave me for one of them. As soon as I let myself realize that was my fear, it truly went away. It was the stranges thing. But I realized that if Frank left, ultimately I would be okay. Yes, I would be sad and upset, but I would still be me. If I've learned anything so far, I've learned that I'm truly alone in the world. People will come into my life and they will leave at some point. If I'm always worried about them leaving, I will have missed my opportunity to enjoy their company. I shared some of these things with Frank when he woke up and it made me feel closer to him than I ever have. He just looked down at me with groggy eyes and smiled.